Waiting for the new semester

Indigo is taking a break, so her Chinese lessons will resume after the new year.

Happy New Year to you all!

I will ask my son to wash the dishes

太太要先生帮她洗碗，先生不好意思回绝。于是对十岁的儿子说﹕“孩子，你 来 洗碗。现在让你练习洗碗，以后可以帮你太太的忙。”儿子回答﹕“不必，以后我可以叫我儿子洗。”

Da Wife wanted Da Hubby to help her wash da dishes,Da Hubby was embarrassed to rebuff.So he told his ten year-old son, "Son,you come wash da dishes.right now you must practice da art of washing dishes,and later on help your wife."The son replied, "No need,later on I can tell my son to wash them."

I shall be successful

外科医生对手术台上的病人说:“这是我的第一百次手术。” “真的﹗” 病人十分高兴:“那我可以放心了﹗” “说得好﹗” 医生很受鼓舞﹕“总有一天我会成功的﹗﹗”

The surgeon informed the paitient on the operation table, "This is the hundreth time I've performed a surgery.""Really!" the patient exclaimed, overjoyed, "Now I can relax!" "Spoken like a true man!" the surgeon was becoming very animated indeed, "One day, I will succeed!"

Play music to the cow

从前，有个音乐家，叫公明仪，有一天他正在弹琴，看见旁边有头牛在吃草。他 想，我来弹几支曲子让它听听吧。他先弹了一支高深的乐曲。可是那牛毫不理会，仍然自顾吃草。公明仪想，牛怎能欣赏这种高深的乐曲呢？于是，他又重新弹了 一支曲子。这支曲子弹得一会儿像蚊子叫，一会儿像牛犊叫。这头牛才摇起 尾巴，竖起耳朵，留心地听起来。

Once upon a time,there was a musician,by the name of Gong Ming Yi,and one day he was playing music,when he spotted a cow grazing nearby.He thought,I'll play some music for him to listen to.He first played a very advanced piece of music,But the cow was oblivious to the music,and kept on grazing.Gong Ming Yi thought,why doesn't the cow enjoy this advanced piece of music?So,he played a new piece of music.at one point, the music sounded like a mosquito's buzzing noise,and later on sounded like a calf's mew.The cow just swished its tail uncaringly,flicked its ear,and started to listen intently.

Father, son and grandson

某将军的孙子在部队又立新功，将军对一事无成的儿子训斥道﹕“你和你的儿子比较，不觉得脸红吗﹖”将军的儿子道﹕“和儿子比较，十分光荣，和您比较，无上光荣。”“你说什么﹖”“和儿子比较，他的爸爸不如我的爸爸。和您比较，您的儿子不如我的儿子。”

A general's grandson just received a new achievement medal,the general told his good-for-nothing son, "Comparing you and your son, don't you feel embarrassed?" General's son replied, "If I'm compared to my son,I'm very honored,but if we're compared to you,I'd have a limitless amount of honor.""What'd you say?" "If compared to my son,his dad wouldn't compare to my dad.if compared with you,your son wouldn't be as honorable as my son."

Kiss a lion

马戏团正在表演美女同狮子接吻，观众一片掌声。某男站起来大声说﹕“这并不难，我也会的﹗” 大家让他上去试试。他说﹕“好吧，请你们先把狮子牵走。

The circus was just performing an act with a beautiful lady kissing a lion, the audience erupted in applause. Da Man stood up and hollered, "That's not hard at all, I can do it too!" everyone cheered him on. He said, "Ok, you guys first lead the lion away please."

A lazy cook

一个懒惰的厨子，连续几天都把剩菜热一热就端到桌子上。牧师并不作声，坐下就吃。厨子很奇怪，问他为什么不先祈祷就吃饭。牧师淡然回答：“桌上的每样菜，我都至少谢过两次了。”

A very lazy cook, for a few straight days only warmed the food up just a little and put it on the table. The priest didn't utter a sound, he sat down and started eating. The cook was very confused, and asked him why he didn't pray before eating. The priest lightly replied, "All the food on the table, I already thanked more than twice."

Your old disease has come back

What a smart doctor! I wouldn't go to them.

一个年轻的医生给病人检查完了身体，不能确定到底是什么病。就问病人﹕“你以前得过这种病吗﹖”病人回答﹕“是啊。”医生高兴地说﹕“那就对了，你原来的病又复发了。”

A young doctor finished examining a patient's body, but couldn't confirm what type of disease it was. So he asked, "Have you caught this disease before?" the patient replied, "Yup." the doctor said enthusiastically, "That's right, your old disease has come up again."

Smart birds

生物课上，老师谈到吃虫子的鸟类，他说﹕“燕子每天需要吃跟自己的体重相等的食物。”有位学生问﹕“燕子如何知道自己的体重。”

In biology class, the teacher was discussing bug-eating birds, he said, "Swallows need to eat food the same as their own weight." a student piped up,"How do swallows know their own weight?"

Sonny, you got too many questions

Another bashing on Dads? It's so tough to be a dad.

父亲回答不出儿子的问题，就 说﹕“我小时候从来没有向我爸爸问过这么多问题。”
儿子说﹕“如果你当初多问问，现在就不会回答不出了。”

Daddy didn't have an answer to Sonny's question, so he said, "When I was little, I never asked my dad so many questions." Sonny said, "If you had asked more questions, you wouldn't not be able to answer."

birds and worm

When the Chinese say "虫子", do they usually mean "worm" or "insects"?

老师：早起的鸟儿抓得到虫子。 学生：那么，早起的虫子呢？

Teacher: The early bird gets the worm.Student: Then,what about the early worm?

Heredity

孩子学了生物学后，回家跟爸爸说﹕“现在我知道我学习不好的原因了。”爸爸很高兴。但孩子接着说﹕“这全是遗传造成的。”

After the kid learned biology, went home and told his dad, "Now I know the reason why I don't have good grades." His dad was delighted. But the kid continued, "It was all because of heredity."

Different opinions

This one is pretty easy for Indy.

爸爸觉得小欢不是个好学生，因为他做功课的时候总是看电视。但是妈妈觉得小欢是个好孩子，连看电视的时候也做功课。

Daddy feels that Little Huan isn't a good student, because he does homework while watching TV. But Mommy feels that Little Huan is a good little boy, even when watching TV he does homework.

George W. and Laura

布什总统和夫人一起出门，经过一个加油站，第一夫人和一个加油站工人亲切地交谈了好一会。事后，总统问﹕“你认识那个工人吗﹖”夫人回答﹕“他是我从前的男朋友。”总统﹕“幸亏你没有同他结婚，否则你现在就不是第一夫人了。”夫人﹕“幸亏你同我结婚了，否则现在的总统就不是你而是他了。”

Bush and his wife took a walk together,and passed a gas station,the First Lady and a worker at the gas station chatted amiably for a long time.Later,the president asked, "You know him?" his wife replied, "He's my ex-boyfriend."Bush: "Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry him,otherwise you wouldn't be first lady."Laura: "It's a good thing you married me,otherwise you wouldn't be the president, he would."

My friend, you can't listen to my wife's letter

某人和他的夫人，虽然分居两地，但时常用通信来沟通感情。可惜某人不识字，每次夫人来信他都要请别人代读。有一次，某人接到老婆的来信，便匆匆来到朋友家。朋友大声地念着某人老婆的来信，某人则在他的后边用双手捂住了他的两耳。其他人见了觉得很奇怪，问：“你捂他的耳朵干吗？”某人回答：“是这样的，我不认识字，请朋友给我念老婆的来信，可我总不能让他听到我老婆对我说的话呀。”


Da Man and his wife, although they don't live together,but they constantly mail each other to express their love for each other. But Da Man can't read,so every time his wife sends him a letter he has to call another person to read it for him. One time,Da Man received a letter from his wife, he then rushed to a friend's house. The friend loudly read Da Man's wife's letter, Da Man placed his hands on his friend's ears. The others felt confused when they saw this, and asked, "Why are you doing that?"Da Man replied, "It's like this,I can't read, and asked a friend to read my wife's letter, but I can't let him hear what my wife says to me."

Rock'n'roll house

某人喝得醉眼蒙胧，深更半夜才回到家门口。他掏出钥匙，却怎么也对不准门锁。 巡夜的警察见状，急忙上前问：“需要帮忙吗？” 某人大喜过望，赶快说：“请你帮我把这房子抓牢，别让它 乱晃动。”

Da Man got uber drunk, and returned home in the middle of the night. He got out his keys, but he couldn't get it in the keyhole. The night police saw this, and hurriedly asked, "You need help?" Da Man was ecstastic at the good news, and responded, "Please hold the house down, and don't let it move around."

Lawyers

“你是骗人的！”辩护律师向对方大喊。
“你是说谎的！”对方律师指责说。
法官用小木糙猛敲一下，冷然道：“现在表明了双方律师的身份，继续审案吧！”

"You lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
One lawyer yelled to the other.
"No, you lieeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
the other lawyer hollered back.
The judge banged his gravel on the desk, and shouted, "This shows both lawyers' true identity, please continue to try the case!"

I was not drunk

某人站在法庭上。“我只多喝了些酒，而没有像指控书上说的那样醉了。”“正因为如此，”法官微笑着说：“我才没有判处你7天的监禁，而只判了你一个星期。”

Da Man is standing in a courtroom. "I only drank a little bit of alcohol, and it's not like what the indictment said, I wasn't that drunk." "So it may seem," the judge says, slightly amused, "I won't penalize you for 7 days in jail, but instead for a week."

Some interesting translation

Hmmm, I noticed some interesting translation from Indigo. It shows you the danger of translation through a dictionary or your imagination.

沟通感情 link up affection.

请你帮我把这房子抓牢，别让它 乱晃动 : Please arrest this house, and mobilize it. Since "抓" is to "capture", and "牢" is a jail cell, "抓牢" must be "to arrest".

指控书上 the charge book thing

法官用小木糙 The judge banged his hammer. Right, a small wooden hammer.

巡夜的警察 The night police

Call the dog in!

书房里，吉米在做作业，他爸爸在画画。两人都非常专注。吉米正抄到有关大雨的几个形容词，忽然想起妈妈吩咐过，下雨时要把晒在院子里的被子收回来。于是，他问父亲：“爸爸，外面有没有下雨？” 爸爸说：“我不知道。但有个办法很简便：把狗叫进来，看它身上湿不湿就知道了。”

In the den, Jimmy was doing his homework, his dad was drawing. They both were concentrating very hard. Jimmy just copied some words related to rain, suddenly remembered his mom telling him, when it rained he'd have to get the blanket outiside back in. So, he asked his dad, "Dad,Is it raining outside?" His dad replied, "I dunno. But I have a very easy plan: call the dog back in, and if he's wet we'll know whether it rained or not."

Where is the pig?

一男养一猪，特烦它，就想把它给扔了，但是此猪认得回家的路，扔了好多次都没有成功。某日，此人驾车弃猪，当晚打电话给他的妻子问：“猪归否？”其妻曰：“归矣。”男非常气愤，大吼道：“快让它接电话，我迷路了。”

Da Man is raising a pig, and really loathes it, so he abanonded it,but the pig knew the way home, and all plans to abandon the pig failed. One day, Da Man rode in a car to abandon the pig, so at night he called his wife and asked, "Did the pig return?" The wife said, "Back here." Da Man was very frustrated,and hollered, "Tell him to get on the phone! I'm lost!"

An angry snail

那年夏天的晚上，8岁的大毛独自在家。突然，传来一阵敲门声，他开门一看，没有人，再朝地上一看，看见只蜗牛。那蜗牛对大毛说：“我饿坏了，能给点吃的吗？”大毛大怒，一脚把蜗牛踢了出去。十年后，还是夏天的晚上，还是大毛一个人在家，还是一阵敲门声。大毛开门一看，还是那只蜗牛。那蜗牛气急败坏地对大毛说：“刚才你为什么踢我？”

Night fell that year in the summer,and eight-year-old Da Man lived alone in his house. Suddenly, there was a knocking sound at his door, he opened it and looked around, there was no one there, he then looked at the ground,and saw a snail. The snail said to Da Man, "Im terribly hungry, can I have something to eat?"Da Man grew very angry, and kicked the snail off of his doorstep. Ten years later,night fell that year in the summer,and Da Man still lived alone in his house,and a knocking sound was heard again at his door. Da Man opened the door,the same snail was there. The snail cried indignantly to Da Man, "Why'd you kick me just now?"

Rat poison

商贩：快来买，快来买，我这里有天下最好的灭鼠药！
行人：你这种药怎么用啊？
商贩：简单的很，只要把药往老鼠嘴上抹一点就行！

Shopkeeper: Come and get it, come and get it fast, I'm selling the world's best rat poison!Passerby: How do you use it?
Shopkeeper: It's uber easy, just rub a little bit of the poison on the rat's mouth!

Mr. Bull not sticking his head out

有个人去拜见姓牛的富翁，姓牛的推说出门了，不出来见他。这人便在富翁家门上写了很大一个“午”字，然后就走了。有人问他是啥意思，他回答说：“这是‘牛’不出头嘛！”

Da man went to visit a rich dude who's family name was Bull,Mr. Bull made an excuse and said that he went out,and refused to meet Da man.Da Man then wrote a big Wu on Mr. Bull's front door,and left.Da Man was asked what that meant,and he replied, "It means that Mr. Bull didn't stick his head out!"

What a character! 臣 and 巨

“臣”对“巨”说：我家和你家一样的面积，我却有三室两厅.

Chen (臣) to Ju (巨): Our houses both have the same square area,
but I have three rooms and two living rooms.

What a character! 巾 and 币

“巾”对“币”说：你戴上博士帽，就身价百倍了.

Jin (巾 towel) to Bi (币money): When you put on a doctoral graduation cap, your social status will rocket up.

I still have the key

从前有一个大财主，一天他收集了一大箱金银珠宝，用一个铁箱和一把锁把它锁起来，自己把钥匙收藏起来。有一天，恰好他家这天遇到了小偷把他收藏的这一箱金银珠宝盗了。这时候，他的管家来对他说：“老爷，我们家的那一箱珠宝被人偷了。”这个财主还洋洋得意地说：“急什么，大惊小怪的，反正钥匙还在我这呢！”

Once upon a time there was a very rich man, and one day he received a huge trunk of diamonds and pearls, he used a lock to lock the trunk, and hid the key. One day, a thief broke into his house and stole the trunk full of jewels. At this time, his housekeeper said, "Monsieur, your very precious jewels have been, ah, stolen. the Master happily proclaimed, "What's the rush? You look so harried, anyways, I still have the key!"

Croc shoes

Indigo's comments: "what a pair of idiots!"

有两个傻子想开鞋店，听说鳄鱼的鞋值钱，他们就去河里抓鳄鱼了，还真没少抓，都40多只了。一个傻子说：“大哥，抓到第50只鳄鱼它要是再没穿鞋咱就别抓了。

There was once two idiots who wanted to open a shoe store, and they heard that croc shoes cost a lot, so they went to catch some crocs, and they had caught a lot, they had over 40. One idiot said, "Hey, bro, when we catch the 50th croc, and they still don't have any shoes, let's stop."

What a Pig!

一群动物过江，至江心船开始进水，必须有一部分动物下水才行。聪明的猴子想了一个主意，让各人讲一个笑话，若讲出的笑话不能让所有人发笑，就要把讲的人扔下水。于是开始抽签，结果是从猫第一个讲，然后是猴子、鸡…… 猫费尽心思讲了一个笑话，结果所有的人都笑了，只有猪不笑。无奈动物们只得把猫扔下了水。猴子的笑话更是让人笑的前仰后合，但是猪还是不笑，猴子也只得去喂鱼。鸡害怕了，连聪明的猴子都难逃此劫……孰料猪此时笑了，众动物怪曰：鸡还没讲，你笑什么？猪曰：猫的笑话真好笑！

A group of animals wanted to cross a big river, but in the middle of the river the boat started to sink, and they had to push some animals into the river. The smart monkey thought of an idea, and said that everyone had to tell a joke, and if not everyone laughed at the joke told, the animal had to walk the plank. (arr!) So they played rock-paper-scissors, and the cat was the first to tell the joke, followed up by Monkey, Chicken, etc... the cat took a great deal of effort to tell the joke, and everyone laughed their butts off, except for Pig. So they had no choice but to kick the cat off of the boat. The joke that Monkey told got the others to laugh so hard they got indigestion, but the pig still didn't laugh, so they fed Monkey to the fishes. Chicken's legs shook with fear, even Smart Monkey couldn't escape the inevitable fate of the dangerous waters...but whaddya know, Pig started laughing, all the animals asked, "Chicken still hasn't even spoken yet, what are you laughing at?" Pig replied,"The joke that Cat told is so funny!"

A monk and xiucai

There were countless jokes about xiucai 秀才, here is one of them. I don't know the origin of the derogatory term 秃驴 for monks.

一日，秀才行路遇一和尚，秀才问：“师傅，请教秃驴的秃字怎么写？” 和尚答：“秀才的秀字歪歪屁股就成了！”

One day, a scholar met a monk on the road, "Shifu," the scholar asked, can you please tell me how to write the word tu 秃(as in bald donkey)?" "Just wiggle your butt," the monk replied.

Sleeping pills

I don't think that Indigo understood fully the sentence "可是即使好不容易捉到一只", but it's not too bad.

颜容憔悴的病人对医生说：“我家窗外的野狗整夜吠个不休，我简直要疯了！”医生给他开了安眠药。一星期后，病人又来了，看上去样子比上次更疲惫。医生问：“安眠药无效吗？”病人无精打采道：“我每晚去追那些狗，可是即使好不容易捉到一只，它怎么也不肯吃安眠药。”

A guant-eyed patient walked up to the doctor and said, "The wild dog outside my window never ceases its yapping,i'm going crazy!"The doctor gave the patient a prescription.A week later,the patient came back,and he looked ten times more tired than last time."The sleeping potion didn't work?" the doctor inquired.The patient replied tiredly, "Every night I chase (to catch) those dogs, but it's very hard to catch any of them, they just absolutely refuse to eat the sleep potion."

The second time looked better

A guant-eyed patient walked up to the doctor and said, "The wild dog outside my window never ceases its yapping, i'm going crazy!" The doctor gave the patient a prescription.
A week later, the patient came back, and he looked ten times more tired than last time.
"The sleeping potion didn't work?" the doctor inquired. The patient replied tiredly, "Every night I try to catch those dogs, but even if I catch one of them, no matter what I do, it'll refuse to eat the sleep potion."

A leaky pot

I was on vacation for a week, so Indigo got a break ;-). Anyway, here's one of her homework.

有一个男人从家里拿了一个罐子到市场上去卖。一个人看了一下对他说：“这罐是漏的。”“怎么可能呢？”他说，“我母亲一直用它装棉花，从没漏过。这罐子不漏。”

A man went to the bazaar to sell a jar. One person saw this and said to the man, "The jar has a leak." "How can that be?"the man asked, "My mother always stuffed it with cotton,and it never leaked. This jar doesn't leak."

God, go away!

Indigo got a kick out of the "inflation" :-)

有个落魄的读书人，家里断粮多日，妻子哭哭啼啼，自己也饿得很难受。忽然想起观音庙里有个铜铸佛像，估摸可以换得几升白米。于是他便爬入庙里，正要伸手拿佛像，又恐神佛会责怪他，于是他便在墙上写了几句诗，才把佛像拿走，这几句诗是：

佛是西天佛，
铜是本地铜。
请佛西天去，
救我一时穷！

There was once a very poor student, and he had run out of food for quite some time now,
his wife cried all day, and he himself was also quite hungry. He then suddenly remembered that the Goddess of Mercy's temple had a copper statue of a god, selling it could earn himself a ton of rice, and so he crawled into the temple, he was just about to take it, and thought the gods would punish him, so he wrote a poem on the temple walls, and took the statue of the god and left. The poem went like this:

Gods are the Gods of the west,
Copper is our copper,
God, please go back to the west,
and save me from inflation!

Update on Nov. 17, 2007

There was once a very poor student, and he had run out of food for quite some time now,
his wife cried all day, and he himself was also quite hungry. He then suddenly remembered that the Goddess of Mercy's temple had a copper statue of a god, selling it could earn himself a ton of rice. and so he crawled into the temple, he was just about to take it, and was afraid that the Buddha would punish him, so he wrote a poem on the temple walls, and took the statue of the Buddha and left. The poem went like this:

Buddha is the Buddha of the west,
Copper is our copper,
Buddha, please go back to the west,
and save me from inflation!

Dumb ass 蠢驴

两个朋友之间的对话：“你这头蠢驴。” “我可能真是头蠢驴……问题仅仅在于：究竟因为我是你的朋友我才是头蠢驴呢，还是由于我是头蠢驴，我才成了你的朋友？”

The conversation between two friends: "You're such a dumb ass." "Of course I'm a dumbass...the question is, am I a dumbass because I'm your friend, or is it that I'm just a plain ol' jackass, so I became your friend?"

The golf ball is a safer place

Indigo liked it.

高尔夫球手挥杆一击，球落在蚁丘上，他走过去再大力一挥，没击中球，却打死许多蚂蚁。他再挥杆，还是没有打到球，这次打死更多的蚂蚁。一只蚂蚁见状，对惊慌失措的同伴说：“走！快跟我来！只要我们爬到球上，我们就会没事的！”

A big burly man swung his golf club on to the golf ball, the ball landed on an anthill, he walked over and swung the club with all his might, but the club didn't hit the ball, but killed a lot of ants. He swung his gold ball again, and still didn't hit the ball, and killed even more ants. One ant saw this, and said to his flustered ant pals, "Let's go! Follow me! if we climb on top of the ball, we'll be safe!" The smile when you tore me apart.

For some reason, she wrote down the lyrics from a song

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Wanna fish or fishing rod? Or maybe both!

It's a long one and it is not a joke. It took Indigo a couple of days to finish it, and she found the "cheese". Did you find it?

从前，有两个饥饿的人得到了一位长者的恩赐：一根鱼竿和一篓鲜活硕大的鱼。其中，一个人要了一篓鱼，另一个人要了一根鱼竿，于是他们分道扬镳了。得到鱼的人原地就用干柴搭起篝火煮起了鱼，他狼吞虎咽，还没有品出鲜鱼的肉香，转瞬间，连鱼带汤就被他吃了个精光，不久，他便饿死在空空的鱼篓旁。另一个人则提着鱼竿继续忍饥挨饿，一步步艰难地向海边走去，可当他已经看到不远处那片蔚蓝色的海洋时，他浑身的最后一点力气也使完了，他也只能眼巴巴地带着无尽的遗憾撒手人间。

又有两个饥饿的人，他们同样得到了长者恩赐的一根鱼竿和一篓鱼。只是他们并没有各奔东西，而是商定共同去找寻大海，他俩每次只煮一条鱼，他们经过遥远的跋涉，来到了海边，从此，两人开始了捕鱼为生的日子，几年后，他们盖起了房子，有了各自的家庭、子女，有了自己建造的渔船，过上了幸福安康的生活。

一个人只顾眼前的利益，得到的终将是短暂的欢愉；一个人目标高远，但也要面对现实的生活。只有把理想和现实有机结合起来，才有可能成为一个成功之人。有时候，一个简单的道理，却足以给人意味深长的生命启示。

Once upon a time, there were two extremely famished people who were bestowed with a fishing rod and a bucketful of fresh fish from an old man. Among those, one person wanted one bucket of fish, the other wanted to fishing rod,and so, they parted ways. The person who got the fish started a fire and started cooking the fish, he devoured it ravenously, and didn't even register the taste of fresh cooked fish, in a flash even the fish soup had been consumed by him, shortly after, he died of hunger right next to the fish basket. The other dude carried his fishing rod and suppressed his growing hunger, and step by step started toward the ocean, but once he glimpsed the sparkling blue ocean water, he had used up all the energy in his body, he could only regretfully let go of his connection to the living world. (in otherwords, he died.)

There was another pair of starving people,they also received an old man's fishing rod and a bucket of fish, but they didn't go seperate paths, they both decided to go to the ocean together. Both of them only cooked two fish each time, it took them a lot of effort to walk long distances, but once they got to the ocean's edge, thereafter, they both lived on fishing, a few years later,t hey made a house, and each started their own family, had sons and daughters, and made their own home-crafted fishing boat,a nd lived very happy and healthy lives. Each person paid attention to their own profits, in the end, they lived happily ever after.

One person had a very high goal, but also had to face reality. If you put imagination and reality together, that's when you can become an accomplished person. Sometimes,a simple philosophy, can reveal a deep meaning to the word: cheese.

Laying off? 自 and 目

These one liners are more like a puzzle for new Chinese learners.

“自”对“目”说：你单位裁员了？

Zi (自) to Mu (目): Your company's laying off some people, eh?

I would say something like LOL:
Zi (自) to Mu (目): are you getting bald?

or

Zi (自) to Mu (目): You look weird with your eyebrows shaved?

Straw hat.. 莤 and 晒

These jokes are so dumb, they are funny.

“莤”对“晒”说：出太阳了，咋不戴顶草帽？

You (莤) to Shai (晒): The sun's out, why don't you wear a straw hat?

Got a plastic surgery? 叉 and 又

I wonder what "You" will say to "Cha" :-)

“叉”对“又”说：什么时候整的容啊？脸上那颗痣呢？

Cha (叉) to You (又): When'd you get plastic surgery? Your beauty zit is gone!

Where are other books?

Hmmm, how do you translate 讨好? Is it to flatter or to please with some selfish reasons?

一位知名作家到一座小城市去旅游。这座小城市里唯一的一家书店的经理为了讨好这位作家，就撤下了书架上其他书籍，全部换上了这位作家的作品。来到书店后，这位作家看到这种情况，非常困惑不解的问书店的经理:其他作家的书呢？ 书店经理一时答不上来，想了想才说：“其他的书都卖光了！”

A well known author went on a vacation to a small city. The manager of the city's only bookstore was fawning over the author, so he removed all the books from his store,and filled the store with the author's books. After arriving at the bookstore, the author saw all his written works, was very puzzled and he asked the manager, "Where are all the other books?" The store manager couldn't reply at once, so he thought about it then said, "The rest of the books are all sold out!"

What a character? 个 and 人

Looks like that Indigo didn't quite grasp the meaning. It's really meant "I can hardly walk without a cane".

“个”对“人”说：不比你们年轻了，没根手杖几乎寸步难行。

Ge (个) to Ren (人): I'm not gonna compete with you youngsters, every step I take with a walking stick is so hard to do.

What a character? 旦and 但

Hmmm, I wonder where the bodyguard is?

“旦”对“但”说：胆小的，还请保镖了？

Dan (旦) to Dan (但): Hey, wimp, you need to hire a bodyguard?

Tooth ache

Is 牙病 tooth ache or tooth disease?

妻子患了牙病，疼得特别厉害，痛苦的声音传到隔壁邻居那里，邻居也感到揪心。邻居问她丈夫：“你妻子的牙痛已经好几天了，你得想想办法呀！” “我想了啊！”丈夫回答，“这几天我一直用棉球塞住耳朵。”

The wife came down with a tooth disease, and her teeth hurt like hell, all day, you could hear her pitiful moans laced with pain and agony that eventually, her neighbor heard, and her neighbor started to feel sad. "Your wife's disease has already been going on for several days now!" the neighbor told the husband. "You have to think of a plan (to cure it)!" "Of course I tried to think!" the husband retorted indignantly, "I've stuffing my ears with cottonballs all this time and still nothing worked!"

Memory Lane

Memory Lane

Indigo

A blur of gold
a blur of red
a hazy memory
as I lie on my bed

summer before
winter noons
spring with flowers
autumn moons

oh can you hear
can you see?
the distant thought
deep inside of me

Streaks of color flying past
long forgotten in the wind
have come back to you
but what can they say? how can they reprimand?

A blur of gold
a blur of red
a hazy memory
as I lie on my bed

a distant thought
long forgotten in the wind

Holy Mother!

In what situations, do you hear the Chinese say "oh my mother 我的妈呀"?

从前有一匹马，只要对它说:我的妈呀！它会以一秒千里的速度飞奔，但只要你对它说一声:我的天呀！它会骤然停下。一个商人看上了这匹马，便买了下来。他说了一句:我的妈呀！那匹马飞一般跑了起来，果然飞奔如野。没多久，他们便驶入了距城中心30多公里的丛山中。商人忽见前方有一悬崖绝壁，立想停住这千里马，但忘记了使马停住的口令，我的地呀！我的祖宗呀！，就是忘了我的天呀！在千钧一发之际，他终于说出了:我的天呀！马在离掉落只剩几厘米处停下了。商人叹了口气，感慨地说了声:我的妈呀！...

Once upon a time, there was a horse, and if you told him, "Holy Mother!" he would run at the speed of light, and if you told him, "Holy Cow!" he would halt just as fast as he ran. A merchant saw this horse one day and took a liking to it, and bought him (for only ten million dollars to boot). "Holy Mother!" the merchant exclaimed, and the horse immediatley started to break into a gallop, and he really was worthy of a wild rabid beast. A few moments later, they were a well good distance away from the city and at least 30 kilometers into the mountains. Suddenly, the ledge of a cliff came into the merchant's peripheral view, and he knew he needed to stop the horse, but, had forgotten what the command was (oh crud), "Holy Nature! Holy Ancestors!" He said about everything that began with 'holy' (yes, what a potty mouth!), but Holy Cow. And just when his life was flashing right before his eyes (a pretty wife, four children, and living to a ripe old age), he finally shouted, "Holy Cow!" The horse abruptly came to a halt just inches away from the edge of the cliff. The merchant let out his breath, not realizing he was holding it and his face was turning blue,"Holy Mother!" he exclaimed in relief.

On diet? “日 and 曰

It's so subtle, it tickles my funny bone.

“日”对“曰”说：该减肥了吧？

Ri (日) to Yue (曰): Isn't it time to go on a diet?

Braggadocio

It's a pretty lame joke. Do you get it? I'm not sure that Indigo got it, but she translated it to the T.

女演员甲向女演员乙吹嘘自己名气如何如何大：“我一登台，观众一齐把嘴张开来了。” 没想到乙立刻瞪大了眼睛说：“胡说！怎么会大家同时打呵欠？”

"When I go up on stage," Actor Jia boasted to Actor Yi,the audience will open their mouths at the same time." Who would have thought that Yi would suddenly open her eyes wide and say,"Liar! how can everyone yawn at the same time?"

What a character? 寸 and 过

It cracks me up that 过 is a couch + 寸.

“寸”对“过”说：老爷子，买躺椅子啊？

Cun (寸) to Guo (过): Old Gramps,did you buy a couch?"

What a character? 由 and 甲

We are going to have some fun with characters. Open your eyes and use your imagination :-). You can see that the Chinese language is a pretty lazy language, you don't see subjects most of the time in conversations.

“由”对“甲”说：这样练一指禅挺累吧？

You (由) to Jia (甲): It's gotta be pretty tiring doing a one finger stand, huh!

A tasteless joke?

警察：“你怎么可以站在这里小便？”
小明：“我又不是女的，难道要我蹲着小便？”

Police: "why the heck are you standing there peeing?"
Little Ming: "Hey, I'm not a girl, do you want me to squat down peeing?"

Beautiful Mother

Is this funny?

一个妈妈生了一个女孩取名美丽。别人问她，为何要取这么俗的名字。那个妈妈回答说："这样，别人才会叫我美丽的妈妈呀!"

A mother gave birth to a daughter named Beautiful. Other people ask her, why do you name her so? The mother replied, "This way, other people will call me beautiful mother!"

Who? Tiger? Master? (tongue twister)

大虎子和小虎子，
走进卖斧子的铺子买斧子。
大虎子向胡师傅买大斧子，
胡师傅把大斧子错听成小斧子，
拿了把小斧子给大虎子；
小虎子向胡师傅买小斧子，
胡师傅把小斧子错听成大斧子，
拿了把大斧子给小虎子。
大虎子不要小斧子要大斧子，
胡师傅把给小虎子的大斧子换给大虎子；
小虎子不要大斧子要小斧子，
胡师傅把给大虎子的小斧子换给小虎子。
大虎子接过胡师傅的大斧子付钱买下大斧子，
小虎子接过胡师傅的小斧子付钱买下小斧子。
大小两个虎子拿着大小两把斧子走出卖斧子的铺子，
大虎子左手拿着大斧子右手搀着小虎子，
小虎子右手拿着小斧子左手拉着大虎子。


Big Tiger (BT) and Little Tiger (LT), walked into an axe-selling shop to buy axes.
BT told Master Hu (MH) that he wanted a big axe,
MH heard big axe as little axe, and gave a little axe to BT;
LT told MH that he wanted a little axe,
but MH heard little axe as big axe,and gave a big axe to LT.
BT didn't want a little axe he wanted a big axe,
MH gave the big axe he gave LT to BT;
LT didn't want the big axe he wanted the little axe,
MH gave the little axe that he gave BT to LT.
BT received the big axe from MH and paid for it,
LT received the little axe from MH and paid for it.
Big and Little Tiger got the big and little axes and walked out of the axe-shop,
BT held the big axe in his left paw and held LT's paw in the other,
LT held the little axe in his right paw and held BT's paw in the other.
And they both lived happily ever after...that is, until they got indigestion from eating a great white shark, but...that's another story...

Write your last name upside down?

Why is it an insult to the Chinese if you write their last names upside down? Is it the same as writing them backward in English? It's so unfair, some people have advantages than others!

看台上，两个素不相识的球迷争了起来。
“甲队准赢。我说错了，就把我的姓倒写！”
“甲队准输。否则，把我的姓倒写！”
“你贵姓？”
“姓田。你呢？”
“姓王。”

On the stadium, two complete strangers who were both soccer fans got into an argument.
"Team Jia will win, if I'm wrong, I'll write my name backwards!"
"Team Jia will lose, or else, I'll write my last name backwards!"
"What's your last name?"
"Tian, and yours?"
"Wang."
"..."

Is the patient a sick person?

Indigo understood every word and every sentence of the joke, but it took a long time to understand why it was worth a chuckle or two. Why the "sick person" calls the nurse a "honeypie"? By the third time I explained to her why it was so. She said this joke was sick, hence she translated "病人" as a "sick person".

护士 看到 一 病人 在 病房 喝酒，就 走 过去 小声地 对 他 说:“不要 喝酒，小心 肝!”病人 微笑着 说：“那 就 不 喝 了，小 宝贝。”

The nurse saw a patient drinking beer in the hospital room, so she walked over to him and whispered, "Don't drink beer, be careful of your liver!" The sick person chuckled, thinking the nurse had said, "Sweety" and said (hey, what did you expect? he's drunk!), "Then I won't drink it any more, honeypie."

I don't get it!

I got some feedbacks from a few good friends that their kids couldn't understand some the jokes here. Amen, say no more, brothers and sisters!

As I told you before that Indigo complained that many of these jokes were really lame. Most of the time, I got a some what blank stare "I don't get it!". She could understand each sentence or the whole joke, but she couldn't understand where the funny part was or why it was funny. It's frustrating to explain left and right why it is funny, still she doesn't laugh. Oh forget it, you'll get a laugh from her just by tickling her ;-).

You don't need a scientific study to conclude that there's a culture gap between a generation of foreign born parents and their America-born children. Some people call it intuition, some people call it a hunch. Darnit, these kids just don't think many of the jokes that we, or the people in the old country normally consider funny, are funny. Why?! Could it be that these kids are fed on American milk, which washes away any of their ancestry humor genes? Or could it be that the kids don't talk with each other or to their parents for that matter in Chinese and so they become deficient in Chinese humor? Maybe we should feed them some vitamin Zh!

Please take a poll, be the first one to take the poll! Forward this poll to your friends!

Family? Is it "give away for free" or "deliver for free"?

Ok, this is a follow up post on a previous topic. Indigo now knows that "一家 something" is not necessarily meant "a family". In many a case, it's just like a "A" or "One".

I remembered that when I was little, my father used to talk with his friends about "我们家..." and "你们家...". It confused the hack out of me, it was actually meant "our company (or factory or...)" and "your company". You can still hear people talking this way.

一家 房地产 商 为 推销 房屋，打出“买 房子，送 家具”的 广告。某人 买 了一套 新房，装饰 后 去 领 家具。房产商："你的 家具 在 哪里？我们 帮 你 送！"

A real estate business wanted to sell houses, so they put up a sign that read, "Buy Houses, Give Away Funiture." Da Man (thought he was dead? nah, he was stuck in a squirrel tree for a couple of weeks, pretending to be an acorn) bought a house, and after decorating his house with an acorn theme, went to get the furniture. Entrepreneur: "where is your furniture? We'll help you send 'em over!"

A tongue twister (王, 网, 匡, 筐)

It's a nice litle tongue twister for 王(wang2), 网(wang3), 匡(kuang1), 筐(kuang1). You gotta hear Indigo's voice recording, she nailed every one of them on the 3rd try ;-).

王庄 卖 筐，
匡庄 卖 网，
王庄 卖 筐 不 卖 网，
匡庄 卖 网 不 卖 筐，
你要 买 筐 别 去 匡庄 去 王庄，
你要 买 网 别 去 王庄 去 匡庄。

Wang village sells baskets (kuang1),
Kuang village sells nets (wang3),
Wang village sells baskets, not nets,
Kuang village sells nets not baskets,
If ya wanna buy baskets, don't go to Kuang village, go to Wang village,
If ya wanna buy nets, don't go to Wang village, go to Kuang village.

Go to school

I'll start to use the segmentation provided by the software. It is one of the most useful feature so the kids can easily group phrases together to better comprehend Chinese text. With onscreen dictionary, they grasp the meaning quickly. Indigo translates it pretty fast. Does she get it? Well, she doesn't understand why all the teachers dislike Da Man! Sure, she understands why the kids hate him ;-)

母亲 在 清晨 催 儿子 起床 去 学校。“我 不去，因为 有 两个 理由，孩子们 恨 我，老师们 也 讨厌 我。”儿子 说。母亲 说：“我 告诉 你 为什么 应当 去 学校 的 两个 理由。第一,你 已经 四十五岁 了。第二, 你 是 校长。

One morning, a mother was urging her son to hurry up and go to school. "I DON'T WANNA GO!! and here are two reasons, all the kids hate me, the teachers also dislike me!" the son protested. "Well, here are two reasons why you should go to school," his mother said. "First of all, you're already 45 years old. Lastly, you're the principal."

Listen to my songs

This piece looked easy for her, she didn't quite get 堪 and 哀.

某人很喜欢唱歌，但唱的不堪入耳，人们一听到他唱歌，就远远的躲开了他。此人很苦恼。一天，他拿着一把刀拦住一个行人，并对他说：“你必须听我唱歌，否则我就杀了你。” 说完，他就唱了起来。他还没唱完，那行人就哀求他说：“你快杀了我吧！”

Da Man really liked to sing, but anyone who listened to his singing went deaf, so whenever they heard him sing, they would hitch a taxi and drive down to the south pole to escape. Da Man was very glum. One day, he stopped a passerby with a knife, and told him, "You have to listen to my singing, or else I'll kill you!" having said that, Da Man launched into a passionate, ear-splitting song. He wasn't even finished when the passerby pleaded, "Just hurry up and kill me!"

Where is my soccer ball?

公园里，一个小孩老是哭着跟在一个孕妇后面，孕妇终于不耐烦了，转过身问：“孩子，你怎么啦？” 孩子抽泣着，“我的足球不见了。是不是您把它藏到衣服里了？”

In a park, there's a kid who always cries and follows a pregnant woman, the pregnant lady finally loses her temper, and turns around asking, "Little Boy, what's wrong?" the kid sobs, "My soccer ball disappeared, did you hide it in your clothes?"

Indigo thought it's a pretty lame joke. I think that she is probably right.

买房子，送家具

Well, well, it looks like that we've got some work to do on this one. We'll come back to this one over the weekend. We had worked on this character 领 before. It's time to review it with Indigo.

一家房地产商为推销房屋，打出“买房子，送家具”的广告。某人买了一套新房，装饰后去领家具。房产商："你的家具在哪里？我们帮你送！"

A family wanted to rent their apartment, so they put the sign, "Selling House, Along with Furniture." When a person bought the apartment, the decorator brought the furniture over. decorator: where is your furniture? We'll help you send 'em over!"

Dog or Canine?

This is a pretty good one. Initially, Indigo translated it as "a dog is a dog". We discussed it a little. She thought of "canine", which is probably the closest thing you can do. What do you know, the number of letters in canine is exactly double of that in dog ;-).

儿子：犬就是狗，狗就是犬。究竟什么时候该写犬，什么时候该写狗呢？
父亲：忙的时候将狗写成犬，闲的时候那就将犬写成狗。
儿子：为什么？
父亲：狗的笔画比犬多一倍呀！

Son: "A dog is a canine, a canine is a dog. so when should I write it as dog, and when should I write it as canine?"
Father: "When you're in a hurry you should write dog, and when you're not very busy you should write it as canine."
Son: "why?"
Father: "Canine has double the letters than dog!"

Her voice recording

The software we are using doesn't export her recording yet. If you don't have the software, unfortunately you can't hear the recording. I'll find out how to export the voice in MP3. I can't promise it though.

Discussion of debt, really?

This is a joke Indigo liked, she rated it as ok, unlike all other lame jokes. However, she had a little trouble with "诸葛亮正与刘备在帐中议事", she thought they were in the middle of discussion about debt. Hmmm.

Here's the joke.

诸葛亮是个精通奇门八术的人，其中有一项特长就是口技。却说这一日诸葛亮正与刘备在帐中议事，诸葛亮突然想放屁，又怕被刘备听见，不好意思。他灵机一动说道：“主公，为了调节一下气氛，我学啄木鸟叫给你听怎么样?”刘备点点头。诸葛亮模仿啄木鸟叫了两声，趁机把屁给放了。然后问道:“怎么样主公?我学的象不象? ”刘备道:“你再学一次吧，刚才你放屁的声音太大，我没听见。

Here's her translation.

Zhugeliang was a man who is skilled in many unusual talents, one of them being vocal mimicry. So one day, Zhugeliang and Liubei were having a discussion inside a war tent, he had the sudden urge to -- ahem -- fart, (it was a big one as well) but he was afraid that Liubei would hear, so he was a bit embarassed to do so. (but he really had to go). But on a sudden inspiration, Zhugeliang suddenly spoke up,"Master, in order to adjust the atmosphere here, I will mimic a woodpecker's cry, alright?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhugeliang made some woodpecker noises, and used this moment to fart, "How was that, Master?" he inquired. "Didn't it sound just like a woodpecker?" "Could you do it again?" Liubei queried back, "That fart you just release was too loud, I couldn't hear it clearly"

Needle or Syringe?

某甲到医院做健康检查,护士拿了针要替他抽血,某甲看著闪闪发亮的针头忍不住问:“会不会痛啊?我怕痛!”护士说:“放心好了,我做了二十几年的护士……”某甲说:“太好了,我放心了!”然后护士一针扎下,只听到某甲杀猪般的一声惨叫,护士才缓缓接道:“没有一次不痛的。

It's interesting to note that the Chinese don't differentiate needles and the hypodermic syringes. They just use needle to represent hypodermic syringe. Indigo read the joke a couple of times before she realized that was not a normal "needle", it was meant as a hypodermic syringe.

She wanted it to be funnier.

Da Man went to the hospital for a checkup, the nurse brought a syringe to draw some of his blood, Da Man glanced at the shining needle part of the syringe and couldn't help but ask (in a cowardly sort of way), "W-w-will it hurt?"I'm afraid it'll hurt! (he almost wailed)" "Don't worry!" the nurse replied."I have been a nurse for over twenty long years..." Da Man sighed with relief, " Phew! I thought I was a goner for sure!" The nurse then heroically plunged the syringe like she was going to stab an enemy with a sword into Da Man's forearm. Da Man screamed in agony and pain; like Da Pig in process of being slaughtered."...not once did it not hurt," the nurse finished with flourish.

I made a comment that she exaggerated a little in the translation. Indigo says it's more fun that way.

What is 中日韩?

Here's a joke (from other site)

中日韩三国足球队主教练一起来到天堂，询问上帝各自的足球队什么时候才能得世界杯冠军，上帝说：韩国需要50年。韩国教练大哭起来：我是见不到了。上帝又说：日本需要100年。日本教练大哭起来：我是见不到了。中国教练连忙问：我们呢？上帝大哭起来：我是见不到了。

On her first try, she didn't quite understand 中日韩. She translated it as "In the middle of the day, 3 ...". After I explained that they are shorthands for China, Japan and Korea, she translated the joke as follows. In her Chinese recording, she did a great job to deliver the joke.

One day three head soccer coaches from China, Japan, and Korea went to the heaven altar place together. They wanted to ask God when their soccer teams would win the world cup. God said, "Korea will take fifty years." The Korean coach started to cry waterfalls, "I'm never gonna make it!!! "Japan will take 100 years." God continued. The Japanese coach started to cry as well, "I'm never gonna make it!!!!!" The Chinese coach quickly asked, "How about us?" "I'm never going to see it!!!" God burst out, crying uncontrollably.

ps.
I found many jokes from http://www.haha365.com/ are good material for learning Chinese.

The Pact

My daughter and I negotiated a pact. It stipulates my responsibilities and her responsibilities. My responsibilities are

1. Find interesting Chinese jokes or other material for her to study
2. Go over her work together
3. Put the files on the internet for others to share

Her responsibilities are

1. Listen to one joke every weekday
2. Translate the joke into English
3. Record the joke in Chinese

We got off a great start. She has produced over a dozen PCE files. If you own Penpower Chinese Expert, you are welcome to download them at http://pce.penpowerchinese.com/indigo